2008: What a Year

Just to follow everyone else I thought I would post some events from this year. It has been a year of ups and downs, heart breaks and joy. I have been blessed through it all.

January: Me and Frank were together raising kids living life.
March: Frank leave and a time of heart ache starts
April: Ashley turns 12 with a big swimming party
June: kids go away for the summer
July: thow a birthday party for my Dad
August: me and Ashley go to our yearly rock the desert concert ( two days of great music and one on one time with my daughter)
September: another School year starts, I go into the hospital for a hysterectomy, throw a baby shower for sweet Jessica
October:met Wayne who became one of the best friends I have ever had and have a wonderful halloween
November: Sweet Jacob turns 7 have a amazing thanksgiving, am blessed to spend time with my grandparents and my two brothers, 31st met Jeff Lynch at church
December: watch my beautiful daughter play violin with the all city orch. spend every moment with Jeff. Attended a few Christmas parties. GOT ENGAGED, had a peaceful Christmas.
Looking forward to a wonderful New Year, planning a wedding, and starting my life as Jeff's wife.
This has been a wonderful year.
May God blessings multiply on everyone in 2009.

Jeff popped the question......
and I said yes. I know its fast but it has been right since day 1.

Getting ready for Christmas

This weekend Me and Ashley decorated the house for Christmas. Now I just need to put some presents under the tree.



outside of the house, not a great picture but you can get the idea of what it looks like

my front porch . the little tree is the kids tree

nativity scene on the top of the fireplace, done by Ashley

Stockings hung be the fireplace( even if it is a fake fireplace)

my tree

my Coffee table

Me and my Daughter

A few weeks ago my very talented Mother took some pics of me and my beautiful daughter. Thought I would share a few of the pictures. Thank you Mom, I love them.

home inprovement

OK so the home improvement bug bit me and I decided that it was time to do a few changes around the house, so over the last few days I started in my living room. I now have a red wall (which I have always wanted) and I installed my grandmothers old electric fireplace in the room. Here are a few pics of what my living room looks like now. next it is on the the kitchen.

Venting session

Ok so I have something that has been bothering me for some time now and I figure that I will go ahead and get it off my chest while I can still claim post surgery insanity if anyone gets offended. So If I step on any toes I am sorry but we are all here to share our thoughts and feelings.
Most of my friends on here ( who will be reading this) all go to the same church. Which I must say is the most amazing church ever. There is so much freedom in our church. We are growing in leaps and bounds and watching God move in the lives of all the new Christians is such a blessing to watch. Now for my grip ( which will make me sound like an old person) I feel many have lost or never known how to respect others. Every Sunday its the same thing, and by all means I am not excluding my own family, We go into worship and it starts to feel like a social club. People are up and down in and out letting their kids run all over the place. Talking about everything but what we are there for. You see a friend sneak in late you get up and cross the church and talk to them for five or ten minutes with no regard the to people around you. I reached my breaking point this last Sunday. My kids each got up and left three times the group behind me were chatting about what they had done over the weekend and the ones next to them were discussing what they were doing after church. OK so I am trying to block it all out and push into the presents of God but there was no having it. I take both my kids out and discipline them. Go back in and my sweet little nieces are running up and down the isle. I go get them and make them sit down then look around to see that alot of people around me are acting the same way I just punished my children for acting. Disgusted I just left church. I don't think you should have to force your way into the presents of God. It is something that comes so natural when in the right enviorment. I know we are a young church and we are very open to worshiping freely but I feel we need to go back and instill a value of respect for others. Respect the ones around you trying to worship and receive if you need to talk take it outside, take care of your business before church starts, yes we offer coffee and drinks but should we leave service two and three time for a refill, I think that is an abusive of the privlage. And just so you know after I left and came home my two kids were punished with four hours of house and yard work plus a discussion on respecting others and how to behave while in church.
ok now I feel better and like I said if this offends anyone I am sorry

wild kingdom

Ok so I made it through the flies and the misquitos. Then there was the invasion of roof rats in August but enough is enough if I have to take a shower with this little guy one more night I am going to scream.

Not to mention all his friends that are all over my front porch.

Time for an update

Well here it is the end of August and it is hard to believe how fast this summer has gone by. It has been a great summer for me and my kids. The kids both went on a month long vacation ( I stayed home and worked). We made a few trips to the lake. Me and my daughter attended Rock the Desert. Many family movie nights. We spent a lot of time just reconnecting as a family, which was much needed after everything we had been through.
I have been dealing with some health issues. I was diagnosed with cystic ovarian disease and a word I am not even going to attempt that means that my uterus was hemorrhaging. My doctor tried hormones to try and control it but it has just gotten worse so yesterday I was told my only option is a hysterectomy. Bad news is that my uterus is tilted at an odd angle so it has to be done through the abdomen. I am actually very OK with this. I do have a few concerns First is the financial co pays, hospital stay for 3-5 days, time missed at work. After finding out about the surgery I came to the office to let my boss know what was happening and all I got was " this is going to be a real inconvenience for the office" and " Just how long to you plan on being gone". I was very hurt and now feel this overwhelming need to come back to work just as soon as I can. Which I was already feeling a little knowing I have no sick time or vacation time to use during all this.
Mom has agreed to help with the kids. and to stay at the hospital with me. She is so awesome.
So remember me on September 16Th ( that is surgery day)
Love you All

old song

Sometimes when things get hard it helps me to fall back on old familiar thing in my life to comfort me. Here is one of my favorite songs done in the most beautiful ways I think I have ever heard it.

Where I have been this past year

Mom took some new pics

Hey everyone Mom took me out over the weekend and took some new Pics of me. Hope you like them. She is so talented.

Still hanging in there

I am still hanging in there. I know it has been awhile since my last blog. But not much has changed. My kids are great, ready for school to be out. Ashley received three awards at school. I am so proud of her. Jacob will be going in the first grade next year and he will be in the ap class.
Me, well I have my good days and my bad days. Today is a not so good one. I am trying really hard to move on with my life one day at a time. My heart is still very sad. Frank got himself in trouble with all he was doing to me and I didn't hear from him for a week and it felt so good. But that has changed and we are back to everytime the phone rings or I get a message on the cell my heart sinks into my stomache. Moving on is so hard. I thought about getting some counceling, I even asked the church for help but they were to "busy", and I guess you can say that its a pride issue but when they finally decided to get around to me almost 9 weeks later I didn't do it. Frank made me feel worthless and less than human and they made me feel so unimportant. I am trying to deal with it and I know I will get past it.

New note

A promising new week in our home. Things have settled way down. Finances are still tight but by the grace of God we are making it. Still need a car but my ex-husband has been nice enough to let me use his till I can get something. Now that that is out of the way more important things to talk about.

Tomorrow my beautiful daughter will be turning 12. I am so proud of the young lady she is becoming. She amazes me more every day. Over the last year she has bloomed so much. She started playing the violin and has been sitting in the top 5 of her section all year. She has taken off in her studies ( a-b honor roll all year). It really hit me last week how much she had grown up when the school sent home the little sheet of paper to pick classes for next year. Many parents know this form. She was sitting in the back seat of the car and said "Mom I need you to sign my schedule for next year." I think I snapped not while I'm driving I will look at it later. We get home and she comes to me again " I need you to sign this" OK I will look at it. TO my shock my baby had sat down with her teachers and talked to them about what she needed to do to jump start her in the study of the medical field. Her teachers had recommended her for AP classes and she decided to take two classes next year to gain high school credit. She has it planned that by the time she starts high school in two years she will have enough of her credits out of the way that she can take the new medical classes Abilene offers for college credit. When did this happen. My little girl has grown up. And I am so proud of her.

Hanging on by a thread and a prayer

I'm still here just can't seem to put in to words my feelings with out falling apart. I am so tired. I feel like every step I take forward I get thrown back 10 feet. Frank's relentless badgering of me resulted in a phone number change and an upcoming trip to legal aid to file for a restraining order. I have gone out of my way to avoid confronting him. My heart tells me to mind my words and not speak the mean things over him that he has spoke into me. It's really hard. Since my last post He came into my house one night and tried to force himself on me but I was able to get him away and out of the house. And being stupid I didn't call the police. I don't want his stupid behavior now to effect his life forever. I am struggling to take the high road and not sink to his level. To add insult to injury I started getting this months utilities in and come to find out the money I had given him to pay bills last month he stashed away because he knew I was about to throw him out so I am stuck paying double bills.
My budget: $1100 income
$260 light bill
$136 cell phones
$138 Cable ( he just had to have the movie channels)
$142 water
$80 phone
$25 Internet
$ 75 gas
$200 probation ( for those who didn't know a stupid mistake i made)
Which leaves me a whole $44.00 for food and gas and the extras. and next week is my daughters birthday. When I think about where I allowed him to lead me I get so angry. Mostly at myself for allowing it to happen. I know God is my provider, Yet I still panic. And to think I still need to come up with a car. I have stared cutting back on all the extras that I can and pray we will see the effects in the next few months. I just have to be strong a little longer. On a positive note my house is finally starting to become mine again.
Thank you all for your prayers I would have never made it this far without them.
Love you all.

KEEP PRAYING

Another day and I know I am making progress, but today I feel like I have been pushed back ten steps. Frank has been from one end of the scale to the other. One day he is begging to come back and the next he is lashing out at me. He has been going at me pretty hard the last few days and honestly I'm exhausted. Last night was the worse for me. I was driving home from life group and he had been going at me all nite I had done a good job of blowing him off, but half way home he started again and hit me where it hurt he is already dating. Which doesn't really matter I was mad that he was using my cell phone to call around and make dates and I am left holding the bill for him to call these women. I told him I wanted the phone and he refused to give it to me so I told him I would call the police and do a failure to surrender property. He didn't want that so he told me where he was and I went at 10:00pm last nite to get the phone and the pure evil in that man scared me worse than I have ever been scared. He came to the car calling me all kinds of foul names and cussing at me infront of the kids. I stayed up all night afraid of what he might do. And first thing this morning he stared again calling me at work and telling me he was comming to the house tonight. I hate to admit like a scared little girl I went running straight to my Mom and Dad. I hate having to ask them for help in this matter I hate having to be rescued but I don't think I am able to do this on my own. I have fought all I can for now. So I am asking everyone to keep praying for strength. I am so tired.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Another new day and I am amazed how fast I am starting to feel like my old self. I thank you all for your prayers. I felt every one. Last night Frank came to comfront me face to face and give his last ditch effort to get me to let him back in my home and my life. Whith supernatural strength I was able to look him in the eye and tell him it was over and he needed to leave. My heart was sad at the devistation in his eyes in his eyes but I know now that he may have loved me but his kind of love is not a healthy form of love. His love was conditional and based on a physical feeling not one of heart. Today I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I stayed home from work yesterday and boxed up his things and started moving my things back into my house. It was liberating to take my home back. I knew he had taken over I just didn't realize how much. Even with the progress I am ashamed to say it is going to take a long time and alot of work to get my house back in order for the last three months I has completely shut down and my house shows it.

Almost over

Well another day has gone by and he isfinally going. He is fighting the enitreway out. I thought that it would be hard on me to finally let him go and to move on with my life but he has made it very easy on me to let go. This is not my first time around the block in relationships I have made my fair share of mistakes. But I have learnedfrom my mistakes and I can see everything that he is trying to pull. He has tried to sweet talk me and when that didn't work he try to knock me down. I must admit that i tworked for awhile I think I was atmy lowest yesterday but today has brought new hope and he has finally shown his real colors. I know I am going to make it through this.
Love ya all

Falling apart in limbo

Not much has changed since my last post. Frank is fighting leaving. Somewhere in his mind he thinks if he puts off leaving that I will have a change of heart, that I will love him more. Don't get me wrong I do care about him but you can love someone with everything in you and it still can be the worse thing in the world for you. I know this relationship is unhealthy and I want out I just can't get him to see that it is over. Everyday he stays I feel a little bit more of me slipping away. I feel so detached from my life, from my emotions. I am physically ill from this situation. I really do feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know if I can put into words what I feel like with out incriminating my self , lol. But it feels like a drug or alcohol high I can see life happening all around me yet I'm unable to reach out of the place I am at and join in. I keep thinking he will see how much I don't want him. I can't stand him touching me. Everything he says to me feels like I am under attack. I feel like I am a prisoner in my home. He questions me all the time. And if anything goes wrong it is all on me. I feel so trapped and I can't see a way out. I made the first step and told him to leave but the night I told him to go he beat me down emtionally so much I couldn't even fight back. I still can't fight back. I don't know what to do any more. Please continue to pray for me.

prayer

Dear Family and Friends,

I am writing letter to ask you to lift me and my children up in your prayers. Over the past year and a half I have been involved in a very unhealthy relationship and to my embarrassment this relationship has been with a married man. He has sworn to me he was getting a divorce and in my mind I wanted to believe him, but it has never happened. Our relationship has turned into one that has compromised my morals, my values and my self worth. Today I take a stand and am taking back the life God has promised me. I have always heard the first step is the hardest that is why I am asking for your support. I ask you all to pray for favor in my life. Most of all emotional, for me and my children, and second for financial the relationship not only depleted me emotionally but financially. By making him leave my home I am taking on double the bills I am also losing the only transportation that we have. Please remember us.

Love in Christ,
Julie Roberts

Reached My breaking point

Ok it finally happened For those of you who have kept up with all my rantings you know the trouble I have been having with Frank and his kids. After taking a long look I realized that things started getting worse after his daughter came to live with us at christmas. As much as I love this child she has pushed me so far that I have finally broke ( which takes Alot). I like to think I am a very tolerant person. I take a lot of crap and very seldom blow my top. Well last night I blew and it was not a pretty thing. After she arived home 9 hours after she was told to come home her Dad anounces she is grounded for two weeks from the phone for being late( which I thinkis very unfair because Justin was 1 hour late and was grounded for a month). Kelsey yells " im just going to go kive with my Mom again cause she will let me do what ever I want". I let it go, then my brother came to pick up his girls who I had babysat all day, I cooked dinner and we all sat down to eat, she refuses to come out of her room, she wants nothing to do with a witch like me. That was it I picked up the phone took it to her and told her to call her mother to come get here I didn't want her here anymore. then turned to her Dad and said if you don't like it pack and go too. Well he didn't go but she is going back to her mothers house. I feel a little bad for sending her back but I had to start putting my kids 1st again. And who knows maybe this is the first step in taking my life back.

not for the faint hearted: Blowing Off Steam

Just a for warning if you are faint hearted, looking to fix someones life, don't like to hear the down side of life DON"T READ THIS POST.

I have reached a point that if I don't let off some steam and vent a little then I am going to blow. I have kept it together as long as I can. Now don't get me wrong I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends. I have just hit my breaking point. For those that don't know my life has gone through a lot of changes over the past year and for the most part all the changes have been good. I am just having a hard time adjusting to the most recent changes. Frank and two of his kids moved in with me and my kids this year. I love having them here, but I am feeling like I am losing myself. My home no longer feels like MY HOME. I feel like I have been pushed out of my own place. Now I know that when someone moves in that you have to give up some stuff to make things fit. But I feel like I am giving up everything and getting nothing. The kids have over run the house anytime that I am at home I have to stay in my room which doesn't feel like my room because of all the crap that Frank has in there now. All my things have been moved in to a 3ft book shelf on one side of the room while all his stuff is taking up the rest of the room. The past weekend as I was adding yet another 6ft book shelf for him to put his things on I said to him at the rate he is going I will be out of the room in 3 months. He laughed...I was serious. The kids are pushing past my point of comfort. Its like they are trying to see how far I will go and when I try to tell Frank about it he thinks I am just being to hard on them. You see he puts down all these rules for the kids ( his and my kids both) yet he is never there to enforce the rules. Now I can handle my kids but his kids are 16 and 14 and I don't feel like I can disipline them and they know it. They sit around the house doing nothing but fighting and picking. They have taken over the living area of my house, taken over the computer, the phone, the yard....ect. And I am expected to do the cooking, the cleaning, driving them everywhere, do this do that but getting nothing in return. I have literally worked myself to the point of being sick, as a matter of fact I have been sick for the last 3 months. I have been to the doctor 4 times in three months, gotten 4 shots, been on 15 different kinds of meds, including anti depressants, I have missed numerous days at work, yet these selfish people I call my family still expect me to wait on them hand and foot.
And its not just the kids last week I was home from work three days very ill. I tried to work on Thursday but my boss sent me home early. I took the family out to dinner ( I didn't want to cook) had to go to the store after dinner to get stuff for the next morning, came home was getting the kids ready for bed Frank announces he needs his work clothes washed so up I get go do laundry, pick up the living room and then Justin said he needed his basketball uniform washed so I do more laundry. After a while I get a ice cream and go sit on the bed to wait for the clothes to dry and Frank gets mad because I didn't bring him anything he yells and I end up sleeping on the couch because he is mad at me. What the hell?!? Same thing today when I get up. Frank has the day off work I'm still not feeling well but have to get to work. On top of being sick my monthly is back for the second time this month ( think its due to all the meds) Frank is in the mood to be intimet I tell him I can't he gets mad and is not talking to me now. I have never loved anyone like I love him yet I have never been with some one as selfish as he is. He can never seem to see things from any other point of view than his own.