Still hanging in there

I am still hanging in there. I know it has been awhile since my last blog. But not much has changed. My kids are great, ready for school to be out. Ashley received three awards at school. I am so proud of her. Jacob will be going in the first grade next year and he will be in the ap class.
Me, well I have my good days and my bad days. Today is a not so good one. I am trying really hard to move on with my life one day at a time. My heart is still very sad. Frank got himself in trouble with all he was doing to me and I didn't hear from him for a week and it felt so good. But that has changed and we are back to everytime the phone rings or I get a message on the cell my heart sinks into my stomache. Moving on is so hard. I thought about getting some counceling, I even asked the church for help but they were to "busy", and I guess you can say that its a pride issue but when they finally decided to get around to me almost 9 weeks later I didn't do it. Frank made me feel worthless and less than human and they made me feel so unimportant. I am trying to deal with it and I know I will get past it.

New note

A promising new week in our home. Things have settled way down. Finances are still tight but by the grace of God we are making it. Still need a car but my ex-husband has been nice enough to let me use his till I can get something. Now that that is out of the way more important things to talk about.

Tomorrow my beautiful daughter will be turning 12. I am so proud of the young lady she is becoming. She amazes me more every day. Over the last year she has bloomed so much. She started playing the violin and has been sitting in the top 5 of her section all year. She has taken off in her studies ( a-b honor roll all year). It really hit me last week how much she had grown up when the school sent home the little sheet of paper to pick classes for next year. Many parents know this form. She was sitting in the back seat of the car and said "Mom I need you to sign my schedule for next year." I think I snapped not while I'm driving I will look at it later. We get home and she comes to me again " I need you to sign this" OK I will look at it. TO my shock my baby had sat down with her teachers and talked to them about what she needed to do to jump start her in the study of the medical field. Her teachers had recommended her for AP classes and she decided to take two classes next year to gain high school credit. She has it planned that by the time she starts high school in two years she will have enough of her credits out of the way that she can take the new medical classes Abilene offers for college credit. When did this happen. My little girl has grown up. And I am so proud of her.

Hanging on by a thread and a prayer

I'm still here just can't seem to put in to words my feelings with out falling apart. I am so tired. I feel like every step I take forward I get thrown back 10 feet. Frank's relentless badgering of me resulted in a phone number change and an upcoming trip to legal aid to file for a restraining order. I have gone out of my way to avoid confronting him. My heart tells me to mind my words and not speak the mean things over him that he has spoke into me. It's really hard. Since my last post He came into my house one night and tried to force himself on me but I was able to get him away and out of the house. And being stupid I didn't call the police. I don't want his stupid behavior now to effect his life forever. I am struggling to take the high road and not sink to his level. To add insult to injury I started getting this months utilities in and come to find out the money I had given him to pay bills last month he stashed away because he knew I was about to throw him out so I am stuck paying double bills.
My budget: $1100 income
$260 light bill
$136 cell phones
$138 Cable ( he just had to have the movie channels)
$142 water
$80 phone
$25 Internet
$ 75 gas
$200 probation ( for those who didn't know a stupid mistake i made)
Which leaves me a whole $44.00 for food and gas and the extras. and next week is my daughters birthday. When I think about where I allowed him to lead me I get so angry. Mostly at myself for allowing it to happen. I know God is my provider, Yet I still panic. And to think I still need to come up with a car. I have stared cutting back on all the extras that I can and pray we will see the effects in the next few months. I just have to be strong a little longer. On a positive note my house is finally starting to become mine again.
Thank you all for your prayers I would have never made it this far without them.
Love you all.

KEEP PRAYING

Another day and I know I am making progress, but today I feel like I have been pushed back ten steps. Frank has been from one end of the scale to the other. One day he is begging to come back and the next he is lashing out at me. He has been going at me pretty hard the last few days and honestly I'm exhausted. Last night was the worse for me. I was driving home from life group and he had been going at me all nite I had done a good job of blowing him off, but half way home he started again and hit me where it hurt he is already dating. Which doesn't really matter I was mad that he was using my cell phone to call around and make dates and I am left holding the bill for him to call these women. I told him I wanted the phone and he refused to give it to me so I told him I would call the police and do a failure to surrender property. He didn't want that so he told me where he was and I went at 10:00pm last nite to get the phone and the pure evil in that man scared me worse than I have ever been scared. He came to the car calling me all kinds of foul names and cussing at me infront of the kids. I stayed up all night afraid of what he might do. And first thing this morning he stared again calling me at work and telling me he was comming to the house tonight. I hate to admit like a scared little girl I went running straight to my Mom and Dad. I hate having to ask them for help in this matter I hate having to be rescued but I don't think I am able to do this on my own. I have fought all I can for now. So I am asking everyone to keep praying for strength. I am so tired.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Another new day and I am amazed how fast I am starting to feel like my old self. I thank you all for your prayers. I felt every one. Last night Frank came to comfront me face to face and give his last ditch effort to get me to let him back in my home and my life. Whith supernatural strength I was able to look him in the eye and tell him it was over and he needed to leave. My heart was sad at the devistation in his eyes in his eyes but I know now that he may have loved me but his kind of love is not a healthy form of love. His love was conditional and based on a physical feeling not one of heart. Today I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I stayed home from work yesterday and boxed up his things and started moving my things back into my house. It was liberating to take my home back. I knew he had taken over I just didn't realize how much. Even with the progress I am ashamed to say it is going to take a long time and alot of work to get my house back in order for the last three months I has completely shut down and my house shows it.

Almost over

Well another day has gone by and he isfinally going. He is fighting the enitreway out. I thought that it would be hard on me to finally let him go and to move on with my life but he has made it very easy on me to let go. This is not my first time around the block in relationships I have made my fair share of mistakes. But I have learnedfrom my mistakes and I can see everything that he is trying to pull. He has tried to sweet talk me and when that didn't work he try to knock me down. I must admit that i tworked for awhile I think I was atmy lowest yesterday but today has brought new hope and he has finally shown his real colors. I know I am going to make it through this.
Love ya all

Falling apart in limbo

Not much has changed since my last post. Frank is fighting leaving. Somewhere in his mind he thinks if he puts off leaving that I will have a change of heart, that I will love him more. Don't get me wrong I do care about him but you can love someone with everything in you and it still can be the worse thing in the world for you. I know this relationship is unhealthy and I want out I just can't get him to see that it is over. Everyday he stays I feel a little bit more of me slipping away. I feel so detached from my life, from my emotions. I am physically ill from this situation. I really do feel like I'm in limbo. I don't know if I can put into words what I feel like with out incriminating my self , lol. But it feels like a drug or alcohol high I can see life happening all around me yet I'm unable to reach out of the place I am at and join in. I keep thinking he will see how much I don't want him. I can't stand him touching me. Everything he says to me feels like I am under attack. I feel like I am a prisoner in my home. He questions me all the time. And if anything goes wrong it is all on me. I feel so trapped and I can't see a way out. I made the first step and told him to leave but the night I told him to go he beat me down emtionally so much I couldn't even fight back. I still can't fight back. I don't know what to do any more. Please continue to pray for me.